How do you know your friend gets you? I mean, really gets you. For me it was when that thing I needed, but didn’t know existed, showed up at my door. I was in the middle of a terrible cycle of chronic illness symptoms and non-stop pain and poured out my struggles to a good friend. In a moment of frustration, I joked that it felt like I was playing some sort of ping pong with my heating pad, bouncing it from one bad spot to another throughout the day.  

A few days later a brand new extra-large heating pad showed up at my door. I just about cried because it was one of the sweetest, most thoughtful gifts I’d ever gotten. She couldn’t fix my pain, but she could help me through it. That’s how it is with chronic illnesses and pain. You may not be able to fix someone’s pain, but you can show up and walk through that journey with them.

Here are some ideas for how to show up.

I Can Help with Food

Years ago, I got the amazing opportunity to eat at an Italian restaurant with the most amazing gluten-free menu. We were there as a group and the owners served a wonderful (and massive) family style meal. Three courses in, we had barely started, and the little old lady who owned the place kept coming around and saying, “Eat.  Eat!” I admired her not only for her delicious food, but also for her dedication to feeding everyone.  

That’s how many of us care for others. We show our love through food. If that’s you, welcome to the club. There are several fantastic ways you can use those skills to support your friends with chronic illness.

Drop Off Meals

Have you ever cooked a full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings? It’s basically like running a marathon. Now imagine if making a pot of pasta for dinner felt just as exhausting. That’s how it can be when you have a chronic illness. Regular daily activities like making dinner for the family can leave you feeling like you’ve climbed a mountain. Here is your chance to jump in and serve your friend. Whip up a batch of waffles, or a lasagna, or that dish everyone always asks you to bring to potlucks. If cooking isn’t your thing, that’s ok. You can grab pizza or sub sandwiches. Drop them off at your friend’s house and bless him or her with the chance to rest instead of cook.

Help with Cooking

“Did you use a fresh, unopened jar of peanut butter?” “What did you grease the pan with?” “Did you make sure everything is dairy-free?” Nobody likes to feel like they’re interrogating someone who is trying to do us a favor, but if you have special dietary needs you have to.  

It’s much more common for people with a chronic illness to be on a special diet, so they may not feel comfortable eating something someone else has prepared. You can still help with cooking, though. Head over to her place and do some meal prep. You could even recruit some other friends and host a freezer cooking party! Not only will you be giving her the gift of food, she’ll get to enjoy some good company, too.

Help with Groceries

When was the last time you were super sick? The kind of sickness where sitting up to eat was enough to run down your battery? You probably weren’t up for running errands, right? Now imagine feeling that sick on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis. Popping out to do the grocery shopping suddenly feels like a herculean feat rather than a simple chore. You can step in to lift some of that burden off your friend by offering to grocery shop.  

The key here is to make it sound like it’s no big deal to you. Tell your friend you’re headed to the store for yourself and ask if you can grab her milk or eggs while you’re there. Let her know when you’ll be stopping by her favorite store and offer to pick up a grocery order for her. Give her the chance to accept help without having to ask for it.

I Can Help with Her Family

One of the hardest parts of being a chronically ill mom is the guilt you feel. Your family needs you, just like anyone else’s, but you can’t be there for them in the way you want to be. As a friend, now is the time to step in and tell her that she has nothing to feel guilty about, that she is exactly the wife and mom her family needs. Then go a step further and fill in the gaps where she’s struggling.

Care for Her Kids

I have yet to meet a toddler who is all that aware of the needs of others, or a baby who ensures that it’s a good time before crying. Kids need what they need even if  their parents aren’t quite up for providing it. I can almost guarantee your friend feels badly about not being able to do everything her kids want and need. You can help. Be the ‘cool aunt’ and offer to babysit for the day. Take the kids to the park and give your friend the chance to take care of herself. 

Care for Her Pets

Chronic fatigue + a dog that needs walking = a recipe for exhaustion. Dogs might be a man’s (or woman’s) best friend, but they also need time, love, and attention. Dogs that don’t get enough exercise and entertainment are kind of like bored toddlers…mischievous! The last thing your friend needs is a spunky dog finding his own fun. Volunteering to be the dog walker from time to time will mean that there is one less thing on your friend’s overloaded plate.

Care for Her House

Remember in part 2 when we talked about what a typical chronic illness home is like? There’s the clutter that needs to be dealt with, the dishes that need to be done, and Mt. St. Laundry that needs to be scaled. Like a good friend, you’ve politely pretended not to notice it all during your visits. Now I’ll let you in on the secret to moving into the ‘great friend’ category. Roll up your sleeves and dive into the mess. When you come by for a visit, offer to help. Pro tip: instead of asking how you can help, offer specific choices. “I’d love to do something to help you. Would you rather I vacuum, wash the dishes, or fold your laundry?” Then she doesn’t have the added mental load of trying to think of something for you to do.

I Can Help with Organization

I’ve given you a bunch of ways to help your friends but I know some of you are probably thinking, “Heather, I have so much going on in my life already, I don’t have the time to go take care of someone else.” I get it. I have been there and done that.  Burning the candle at both ends (and a few spots in the middle) yet still wanting to help can feel frustrating. There are still ways you can serve your friend. Since many types of chronic illness come with brain fog (cloudy thinking and difficulty concentrating), your organizational skills can go a long way in helping.

Organize Rides

In nearly every teen movie I saw growing up, having your driver’s license is portrayed as the ultimate symbol of freedom and independence. That means that losing your ability to drive, whether short-term or permanently, can be a really tough pill to swallow.  Now imagine not being able to drive yourself, but also having a ton of places you need to go. That’s what it’s like for some people with chronic illnesses.  Maybe they suffer from dizzy spells, or seizures, or fatigue that make driving unsafe.  They still have doctors to see and errands to run, though. You may not be able to drive your friend everywhere, but you could help coordinate friends and relatives who have available time to take your friend where she needs to go.

Organize Care

Laundry, and groceries, and babysitting, oh my! Don’t let all these needs your friend might have scare you off. Divide and conquer. This is your chance to recruit an army of volunteers to help minister to your friend. You know your friends best. Marty is a fabulous cook, Julie can get dishes done in a snap, and Sarah loves folding laundry into perfect little squares. Match the friend with the need. Or, set up an easy sign-up through a site like Care Calendar or Meal Train. Ask your friend for a list of her needs and then gather everyone to surround her with love.

Organize Resources

I remember when I was pregnant with my oldest, I was having a craving for this one particular Thai noodle bowl. I sent my husband out to get some, only to find out that the stores in our small town didn’t carry them. I cried and told my husband I would just go hungry because I didn’t want anything else to eat. Looking back, I can obviously see that there were great options out there, but I didn’t have it in me to look for them at that time.  

That might seem like a bit of silly, hormone-induced nonsense (and I can absolutely laugh about it now), but to some level, it’s reality when you have a chronic illness. There are resources out there, but you just don’t have the time, energy, or mental bandwidth to search them out. Check in with your friend and see if you can help her find support groups, community resources, or giant heating pads.

Your Can Help Your Friend with a Chronic Illness

I grew up as a pastor’s kid. My parents were pastors with The Salvation Army. From my earliest days, I can remember learning one of the key mottos of our church founders: “Soup, soap, salvation”. William Booth (the founder of the church) worked to minister to the poor and destitute of Victorian England. He believed that first you met someone’s physical needs (soup), then you helped restore their dignity (soap to get clean), and then you could try to reach their soul. It reminds me of the well-known adage, “Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words”. You’re living this out when you jump in to help your chronically ill friends. This is your chance to show Christ’s serving love for others, right in your own neck of the woods.