This fall I found myself racked with guilt. I’ve always made a big to-do over our first day of school with special signs for the kids’ pictures and special treats to eat. This time, though, I was worn down and out of time. As I saw other families’ back to school shots the mom guilt started to build.
Looking back I can see how ridiculous it was to feel guilty over pictures and cookies, but isn’t that how it always is? As moms we can feel a heavy weight of shame for things that either aren’t our fault or aren’t that big of a deal. The same old lies about not measuring up bounce around in our heads. Not anymore! Let’s make a few changes to help ourselves let go of the mom guilt!
Change How We Speak
“I’m just a mom.” “I’m such a bad mom.” “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.” Raise your hand if you’ve said any of these (or something like them). I know I have and I’ve decided it’s time to stop. One of the best ways to help curb that guilt that tries to build inside is to change the way we talk about ourselves, and to ourselves.
Save Our Apologies
I have a friend named Tricia who lives rent-free in my head. This amazing woman has encouraged me in so many ways, but the top thing she has taught me is this, “We only apologize when we’ve actually done something bad.”
Do we need to apologize for crying to a friend? Nope. There is nothing wrong with emotion. Instead, try saying, “Thank you for listening!” Instead of apologizing for not attending an event, tell the person, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it.” Remember, if you hurt someone, apologizing is the thing to do. If you are simply existing as a person with needs, that’s nothing to apologize for.
Eliminate Minimizing Words
What are minimizing words? They are words that make whatever we say next seem smaller or less important. How often have you found yourself saying you’re “just a mom” or that whatever you’ve cooked is “just something small”.
Let’s stop making our work as moms seem smaller to ourselves and to others. I promise you that nothing you do is small. Your work is infinitely important whether you’re changing a diaper, baking a birthday cake, or resolving a conflict. So, let’s all agree to stop minimizing ourselves, and the next time one of our mom friends says, “It’s just a boxed cake mix”, remind her that it’s a work of love!
Change How We Think About Ourselves
How do you define your worth? We all know the answer it seems we’re ‘supposed’ to give, but does that match up with how we actually think? If I’m being honest, it often doesn’t for me. It’s so easy in our culture to think badly of ourselves based on what others might say or think. Part of letting go of mom guilt is changing how we think about ourselves.
Listen to What God Says
There are days as a mom that can leave us feeling beaten down and worthless, especially if we base our value on how others see us. To let go of the mom guilt we have to shake off the weight of other people’s opinions and focus on what God says about us.
In Ephesians 2:10 we are told, “For we are God’s masterpieces…” Did you catch that? You’re a masterpiece! Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, not me. God knows how much I mess up!” Nope. You too. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” No amount of struggle makes you less valuable to God and no amount of success makes you worth more to Him. God loves you and so does your family!
Celebrate Our Invisible Work
“If she can do all of that, why can’t I? What’s wrong with me?” I cried to my husband. There I sat, broken, dejected, feeling utterly worthless, completely caught in the comparison trap. The constant work of caring for 3 kids ages 3 and under was exhausting, but I didn’t see how important it also was! My problem wasn’t a lack of effort; it was measuring my worth based on society’s standards of productivity. So much of our work as moms is invisible, but that doesn’t make it any less valuable!
From now on we’re going to start celebrating our invisible work. When you read your baby Goodnight Moon for the 47th time you are laying the groundwork for her future success in school and life. Every time you hug your son, you’re doing important work. In fact, it’s the most important work because physical touch helps children be happier and healthier well into adulthood. Let’s start celebrating the vital work we do as moms and let go of the pressure to have an Instagram-worthy day!
Change How We View Our Mistakes
I can’t count the number of times I’ve beaten myself up for losing my cool with my kids, or forgetting to get paperwork filled out on time. Do you ever find yourself feeling guilty for every little misstep? Let’s collectively agree to stop that! You are not alone and you are still a good mom regardless of your mistakes!
Mistakes Are Learning Opportunities
When your kid gets an answer wrong on his math test, what do you tell him? I’m guessing you tell him it’s no big deal, and that it’s a great chance to learn something new. The same is true for you!
Did you lose your cool after breaking up your 14th argument of the day? Okay, not great but now you know that arguments are a trigger for you. Next time you have to break one up you can stop, take a breath, and ask God to help you stay calm before wading into the battle. If you find that you frequently run out of energy before getting to afternoon math lessons, it could teach you to switch math to the morning. Instead of feeling guilty, get curious about how to make your life run smoother.
Mistakes Let You Role Model
Have you ever met someone who has never made a mistake? Not one ever? I know I haven’t! We all mess up sometimes. When you don’t quite do things the way you’d like, it’s a great chance to show your kids how to handle their own mistakes.
How do you want your kids to respond when they hurt each others’ feelings? In our house we have focused on how to apologize. For us that means facing someone, saying we’re sorry, and taking responsibility by saying what actions we are sorry for. In those moments when I snap, I do the same thing. “Guys, I’m sorry that I yelled at you. That wasn’t okay.” Did I make a mistake by losing my cool at my kids in a heated moment? Yep, and I’ll probably do it again because I’m not perfect. The key is that a) I strive to do better and b) I take responsibility for my actions. By doing it myself I’m showing them how to take responsibility for their own mistakes.
Let Go of Mom Guilt
Be the kind of encouraging friend you need, even if it means talking to yourself out loud and saying, “you did a good job today.” Let go of the mom guilt not just for yourself, but for your family, too. Yes, you need to do it for your own well-being; it’s also a blessing to your kids. Let go of the guilt and pressure so you can step into a life filled with peace and beauty.
Choose grace over guilt this week — and send this to a mom who needs the same reminder.
