You know how they say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? I don’t quite buy it. At least not when it comes to a chronic illness. I think whatever doesn’t kill you gives you a wicked sense of humor. If you’re lucky, it also gives you the chance to see just how much your friends care about you. That’s the thing about being chronically ill, your friends become more important than ever. Calls, texts, and visits from a friend become the shining light on your dark days and the cherry on top of the sundae of your good ones. With a small investment of your time, you can give your friend the encouragement she needs to get through whatever kind of day she’s having.

Be Flexible with Your Plans

Have you ever had a nasty cold hit at the exact worst moment? You are all set to go on a wonderful trip and the night before it you end up knock-down, drag-out, run-over-by-a-bus sick. If you had known you were going to end up too miserable to enjoy your vacation you obviously wouldn’t have scheduled it, but life caught you by surprise. That’s the hard part about living with a chronic illness, it’s inherently unpredictable. Rarely can we guess what kind of day we’re going to have weeks in advance. Sometimes we don’t even know it a few hours ahead of time! We can find ourselves in that horribly sick state, at a moment’s notice, on a fairly frequent basis. One of the best ways you can show up for your friend with a chronic illness is to hold your plans loosely and adjust them to meet her where she is.

Expect Cancellations

Unreliable. A pain. Those are the things we tend to think about ourselves when we have to cancel plans with our friends yet again. We’re all set to hang out with our friends and the pain kicks in. Or the fatigue. Or the racing heart. Then we have to send the dreaded, “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to cancel” text. Sometimes we feel like we’re about as reliable as a two dollar watch and that can lead to some major feelings of guilt over being a ‘flaky’ friend. When you get that call you can help by reassuring us that you understand, and then continuing to invite us no matter how many times we have to back out.

Be Willing to Change It Up

Part of being flexible means opening yourself up to changing your plans. Maybe you planned to go out to the movies with your friend, but she isn’t feeling well enough for a night on the town. More often than not we’re going to feel bad enough about not being able to keep our plans that we won’t ask you to switch to something different. On the other hand, if you  want to get together you could offer to change things up. Let’s say you were set to go see the new Marvel movie but your friend calls to say she’s too exhausted to go out. Asking her if she would be up for switching to a movie night at home will tell your friend that you want to spend time with her no matter what it looks like.

Check In On People with a Chronic Illness

What do you think the hardest part is about being chronically ill? You’re probably going to guess the pain…or the medical bills…or the frustration. All of those are great answers, because they all stink. But while they’re bad, they aren’t the worst. By far the hardest part has got to be loneliness and isolation.  When we can’t get out of the house it’s easy to feel like we’re no longer a part of our friend groups. That’s why your role as a friend is so incredibly important. You can literally be an emotional lifeline by simply checking in on a regular basis!

Quick Check-Ins

Doesn’t it feel great to know someone cares about you? To know that during your friend’s busy day she took the time to think about you and say hi? It doesn’t take a lot to make someone feel seen. A quick call or text can go a long way to helping someone know that they matter. One of the things I love the most is when a friend sends me a meme and we can laugh about it together. You would be amazed at the (emotional) healing power of a little sarcastic humor!

Longer Check-Ins

I think we all remember how tough the early days of the Covid pandemic were. Not only was there fear of an unknown illness, there was the isolation that came from everything being virtual. I definitely missed sitting next to a friend and sharing a cup of tea and a piece of cake. Some of us with chronic illnesses haven’t fully left that struggle in the past. Our illnesses leave us stuck at home (and away from our friends) far too often. When you offer to visit your friend you are telling her that you care. Seeing your smiling face and laughing over something silly might be just what your friend needs! 

Visit without Expectations

Do you remember what it was like when you’d just had a baby and people wanted to visit? There were the visits that left you feeling drained and discouraged, but then there were those amazing people who made your spirits soar and left you feeling loved and cared for. The same thing applies to visiting your friend who is chronically ill. She needs you to visit without any expectations other than loving her.

Come with Compassion

Follow me as we tour a typical chronic illness home.  On your left you’ll see a load or two of laundry, waiting to be put away (or just used right out of the bag if I’m being honest). Straight ahead is the kitchen with smudges on the fridge, a few dishes in the sink, and piles of papers on just about every flat surface. While not everyone’s home looks like this, it’s all too real for many of us. Whether the struggle is with bone-crushing fatigue or overwhelming nausea, life with a chronic illness can make tidying up the house feel roughly equal to running a marathon. When you come to visit, focus on how much you love your friend and try to ignore the clutter. If you’re feeling extra motivated (and you know it wouldn’t hurt her feelings), offer to do a load of dishes for her!

Come for Fellowship

Those of us dealing with chronic health problems aren’t hermits (at least not most of us). We want to be your funny, quirky, maybe-a-bit-crazy friend we always were. But we’re also tired. One of the best ways you can help is to understand that your friend may still be hilariously entertaining, but she may not have the energy to ‘host’ you in the way she used to. Hang out and talk to your friend. Offer to fix the coffee for her, bring over her favorite treat, and enjoy the time to fellowship.  

Friendship is Vital with a Chronic Illness

A few months ago the kids and I read The Radium Girls by Kate Moore as part of our science. It’s about the women who were poisoned while working with radioactive paint in the early 20th century. These women suffered with pain and sickness for many years. As I read through it the thoughts of one woman really stood out to me. “When you’re sick and can’t get around much…things are different.  Your friends aren’t the same to you.  They’re nice to you and all that, but you’re not one of them.” Even though she said it almost a century ago, it still rings true for many people with chronic illnesses. It doesn’t have to be that way, though. A caring friend like you can make all the difference. 

Be sure to check out Part 1 of this series and come back to read Part 3 next month!